What's your 20?

The following post is a reaction to this article on CNN.com about relationships and Facebook.

The relationship status has been an aspect of Facebook since its inception. I'm old enough to remember when Facebook first invaded UVa, among the first group of schools that was part of the site, and I remember gleefully starting to construct my profile, adding friends, narrowing down my favorite books/movies, and declaring my relationship status (taken) at the time. I also remember when I was no longer in that relationship, and as a result, my declaration of status changed with it. To many, declaring yourself in a relationship is a badge of honor. It is a declaration not only to all your friends that you are no longer wallowing in singlehood, but also to your new significant other that you are taking a purposeful and committed first step. Moreover, it is a confirmation to the self; a comforting symbol that you have found someone that you look forward to waking up next to in the morning (always my favorite part and significant for its purity).

Similarly, removing that status and converting it to single or nothing at all, can be as painful as the opposite is joyous. It exposes the relationship for what it ultimately was, an imposter. Granted, dating is a process and, as I'm discovering, often a numbers game. You go on a first date, and hopefully a second or a third. If it doesn't work out, you learn something from the experience. What are the characteristics that you need the other person to have. What you're willing to accept and put up with, and what you can't possibly tolerate. That being said, all those failed relationships are still imitations of the one you're really looking for. The reality is that we're all looking for that one last relationship; the one to end all the searching. As Hitch put it quite eloquently, we're searching for that last first kiss. Changing your status from “in a relationship” to “single” is a constant reminder that you are still looking. (Now seems to be a perfectly good time to admit, in case you haven't figured it out already, that I am a bit of a romantic and do believe in true love. I'm try not to be particularly cynical.) It's even more jarring when that status is changed on you.

I think we can all admit that, among friends, it is one of the most talked and gossiped about pieces of information on Facebook. No one really cares which Harry Potter character you are or what your favorite sports teams are, but the second that the status changes, it grabs people's attention. (Thank you News Feed!) Condolences if you've recently broken up, mass stalkings if you declare yourself “In a relationship,” and the attention garnered by a change to “engaged” is unparalleled. We, ourselves, often enjoy making the changes in status because it makes it official and more real. If you've just broken up, it's the first step you taking towards healing.

Yet, in many ways, it's a sad statement that Facebook is what tells us that a relationship status is official. We should be the ones who confirm to ourselves whether a relationship is official. As I ranted about in my last post, there is a constant state of anxiety in our generation with respect to identity and authenticity and our search for it. Of all things, Facebook is providing that for us, and what does that really say about our clawing desperation to find the authentic? Facebook is an Internet website; it exists in a bunch of servers and electrons. Hell, I have no idea how my wireless Internet even works, but I know that when I hit “Publish Post,” somehow everything I've just typed will get posted onto my blog which exists out there somewhere. If I type into my GPS, do you think it will find it? The point being that we get our source of authenticity from something that has no real substance. Plenty of people mock Facebook's relationship status option by being “married” to best friends or other such false relationships, easily destroying the credibility of that declaration. My sister is guilty of this seemingly innocuous stab at the authentic. This is exactly what many artists of all medium, writers, poets, painters, photographers, struggle with or point out in their works. Rene Magritte's The Treachery of Images is a good example of a painter exposing the problems of authenticity.

I felt that the article ended rather humorously, considering that one of the young college students makes an off-handed remark about now knowing what people did before Facebook. I remember what I did before Facebook...I used a lot of AIM, and I talked to people in person. What a crazy concept. Now, I'll admit that I'm not a really big phone person, and often communicate with friends via Facebook, text message (tex mex as my mom would say), or email. But those options don't really compare to hearing someone's voice, and even less so to talking to someone in person. It would seem now that, for some reason, as the degree of distance increases between the lines of communication, the authenticity of that information increases which seems a bit ass backwards.

All this being said, am I going to resist declaring myself in a relationship when I am in one again? Doubtful, for the same reasons that everyone else does it. However, what Facebook says about my relationship or lack there of in the electronic universe does not determine what my status actually is. It is simply a response to an actual reality, and it's the reality of dating that I look forward to and enjoy much more than what Facebook says about my dating life.

Music listened to while writing this post: Keane-Under the Iron Sea (Great album) and Kings of Convenience-Quiet is the New Loud.